junkie house-views

One day I found myself house-viewing with a real-estate agent.

Now I'm not the kind of person that particularly enjoy house-viewing - I see it as a necessary activity to acquire a nice and comfortable home to kick back, relax, and build a nice nest. However, whenever I'm house-viewing, with the combination of having to take various modes of transport, navigating to unfamiliar places, and making dozens of calls to a score of either very persistent or very nonchalant people, I'm generally feeling a potent mixture of annoyance, sense of harassment, and general lack of personal hygiene. This is a state normally not conducive to selecting one's future home, however, one does the best one can.

This particular episode, as I walked into the house with my real-estate agent, I was also feeling another nagging/irritating feeling. My feelings were kind of like a weird horse race, like the ones you see on TV with BBC commentators narrating. Wash Me Not and King Annoying were pretty much tied neck for neck, with HairAssment trailing behind. However, there was another eager dark horse, usually lagging behind, but today enjoying a winning streak - I Need to Pee was enthusiastically clopping along, leading the rest of the pack.

So there I was, this babbling real-estate agent showing me around this rather sterile, white flat (which to it's credit was rather spacious), and I trying to be interested and telling myself I should be interested. Meanwhile, I Need to Pee put on an extra spurt of energy (BBC commentator: I do not believe where this beauty is getting his energy today!) and started extending his lead. I start really squirming and ask the real-estate agent if I could use the place's toilet.

Why sure, says the real-estate agent, and proceeds to showcase the bathroom to me. It was really quite nice, with a white gleaming porcelain bath and a disconnected-style wash-basin. The agent was doing his routine of explaining the bathroom's design - however, at this time all my attention was only focused on the white, gleaming, virgin surface of the toilet bowl. I wait for him to finish his spiel then I am alone in the toilet. I take care of business with relief and then rejoin him.

We walked about the flat some more, me marveling at the space of the apartment again. I was going to ask the real-estate agent how much was the apartment going to cost me when (the most amazing comeback, ladies and gentlemen!) I Need to Pee came bursting back to view, with new-found vigour and a thirst for revenge. I did a involuntary squirm on the spot and thought to myself 'WTF?' I asked the agent to show me the apartment's other toilet, and looking at me rather quizzically this time, he led me upstairs to the second bathroom.

I forego the niceties. I knock over the agent and use the toilet straightaway. Flushing and striding out of the toilet, I realised I needed to pee again!!! WTF? I did an abrupt U-turn in front of the by-now thoroughly puzzled agent and went back in again.

While peeing, these thoughts went through my mind:

Once home I'd better see a doctor straightaway. That's always assuming I ever stop peeing long enough for me to get home in the first place.
This would make a great post for my blog.

This was when I started swimming back into consciousness in my bed. It's 5am, I've been dreaming and I REALLY need to pee.