Winner Gets Shot

A true-story anecdote from university days. Ah, the joys of university...


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19:05 I arrive at the Project Room for a poker game. We have called along some friends and expect 8 people.

19:06 Only PokerPlaya is there with all the booze and cards. We have vodka, rum, tequila and beer. We crack open a beer each and start drinking.

19:07 He is wearing a top hat. I find out we’re supposed to wear a silly hat each. This does not deter my enthusiasm. I rummage in the trash-heap outside and find an old beanie. It smells slightly. I disregard this.

19:08 I return to the Project Room wearing the beanie. PokerPlaya is impressed by my spontaneity.

19:10 Second beer.

19:12 AudioPhile arrives. He’s brought his cables. We hook up PokerPlaya’s iPod onto the room’s sound system.

19:15 Third beer. No one else is arriving. We belch, curse and question the presence of the no-shows’ testicles and their paternal origins.

19:17 SmartBoy arrives. We decide to start. We kick in a fiver each and decide that the winner takes all.

19:18 We play ‘Winner Gets Shot’ texas hold ‘em. PokerPlaya explains that this simply means that the winner of every round downs a shot. He brings out the ceremonial shotglass. We fill this with vodka. We continue with our beers.

19:22 Pair 3s at the end of the hand. I am not off to a good start.

19:23 AudioPhile wins. He grabs the shotglass and downs the vodka, and sweeps the pot, grinning. We refill the shotglass.

19:29 PokerPlaya wins a lot of money from me. He trash talks me. I hate PokerPlaya.

19:32 Audiophile wins again.

19:35 PokerPlaya wins. I’m determined not to be the last to win a round.

19:38 SmartBoy wins. I hate everybody.

19:47 I still have not won. The vodka is half gone.

19:51 I win with a full house. I AM LEGEND. I down my shot.

20:14 I am ahead of SmartBoy on chips. The vodka is finished. We move on to the tequila for the shots. We have also finished half our beer.

20:18 We double the ante an hour after starting. SmartBoy has had the least shots at 4, and PokerPlaya the most at 8.

20:30 PokerPlaya has the lead. He is also the drunkest. He mumbles to himself and we have trouble understanding him. This does not stop him from winning. We all agree he is not drunk enough and make him drink one extra shot.

20:46 PokerPlaya loses a big round to AudioPhile. He does not understand that he did not win. AudioPhile prevents him from taking the chips. PokerPlaya drinks the shot anyway.

20:52 AudioPhile wins, but spills the shot. We yell at him and remind him of the scarcity of booze. I tell him to lick up the booze from the table. We all think this is a great idea. AudioPhile licks up the mess on the table.

21:10 We finish the tequila and move to the rum, which is industrial-sized. I blearily remember that the booze tonight was supposed to be for 8 people instead of 4. I also calculate that at 25% of downing a shot every 3 minutes or so, we are averaging 5 shots an hour plus beer. I am very pleased with my mathematical ability.

21:18 We double the ante again. The game is now very fast. I am losing rapidly. I try not to be the first to bankrupt.

21:28 SmartBoy is bankrupt. We make him drink one ‘shot of shame’. He now freely drinks the rum and beer. I’m beginning to think he’s the smarter one.

21:46 I go all-in on a four-of-a-kind. PokerPlaya trumps me with a flush. I thought poker flushes only happened on TV. I feel cheated of my hard-earned 4-kind. I take my shot of shame while giving PokerPlaya the death-stare.

21:53 I want to get back in the game. AudioPhil and PokerPlaya do not let me. I call them pussies.

22:03 AudioPhile and PokerPlaya lets SmartBoy and me back in on a 3-shot condition.

22:04 I down 3 shots in 5 seconds. It is a very interesting experience. I am convinced that this is a very difficult feat and I am to be regarded in awe.

22: 20 I am bankrupt again. I am not really fussed this time.

22:29 It’s down to AudioPhile and PokerPlaya again. We begin discussing our post-graduation trip planning.

22:34 We talk about JapFreak and our brainstorming session earlier that week on sustainability issues. SmartBoy tells us that in one of the sessions, FlowerGirl started a brainstorm for a ‘creature that represented sustainability’. JapFreak then ran up and drew a massive cock on the whiteboard. We all agree that that was the best representation of sustainability and conclude that JapFreak is a genius. I find his ingenuity very funny. I start giggling to myself at random intervals.

22:48 AudioPhile wins the tournament. We cheer him incoherently. He grabs the bottle of rum which is a quarter-full, and down it. We cheer some more. AudioPhile has won a twenty.

22:51 We decide to go to a college bar nearby. I wonder aloud what to do with all the bottles and cans. We decide to leave them as a present for the juniors having lectures here the next day.

22:53 I think that mere bottles and cans, which are easily removed, does not represent enough carnage for our poker night. I tell the others this. AudioPhile grabs permanent markers, which marks are not so easily removed.

22:55 AudioPhile runs up to the whiteboard and wonders what to draw. I yell out the first thing that comes to mind: ‘COCK!’ He thinks this is hilarious and scrawls a massive one in a single stroke. I appreciate this technique.

23:01 There are cocks drawn all over all 4 whiteboards in the room. We are very tall and can reach high places. We draw some on the ceiling. We leave the Project Room. PokerPlaya takes the unopened cans of beer.

23:13 We arrive at the college bar. The tequila shots are very cheap. AudioPhile uses his winnings to buy us more shots.

23:20 We have 3 rounds of shots. I’m beginning to disconnectedly feel afraid for myself due to the insane amounts of alcohol consumed tonight. At the same time I also begin to not feel so good. I start empty-swallowing cautiously.

23:33 I have to throw up. I knock over a girl as I run to the toilets. I bend over a sink and let loose. There is a lot. I still feel drunk as hell. I trip over a foot protruding from under a toilet stall door.

23:37 I cannot find anyone. I decide to leave.

23:39 I find my backpack from the coatroom. There is a jacket tied to it. I try to untie it.

23:41 I do not understand. I only want my bag. The jacket does not want to let go. I get impatient. I put on my backpack. The jacket hangs off the back of my ass. I ignore this.

23:48 I get on my bicycle. After a while, the jacket gets caught in the rear wheel. It becomes very difficult to cycle. Instead of stopping, I put in more effort.

23:56 I am very aware that the cars passing by are making a lot of noise and swearing at me. I think maybe I am too far away from the curb. I want to get home fast, so I decide against walking home and continue cycling. The jacket is surprisingly tough and is still being a bitch against my wheels.

00:02 I reach the park. There are ‘pedestrian barriers’ at the entrance to prevent cyclists from riding too fast into the park. I decide to zip through like I normally do.

00:03 I have crashed into the barriers. It is very painful. I know it will hurt more in the morning. My fingers are kind of mangled. Nothing is broken. I declare myself OK to the park. My recollection ends here.

EPILOGUE

That is all I could remember. This was easily one of my drunkest nights – I woke up in the morning still unchanged out of my clothes on my bed. I was still wearing my backpack, and the jacket was still there. The jacket was wrinkled and dirty, but very much intact and reusable. I have newfound respect for Marks and Spencer.

AudioPhile passed out in the college bar toilet. It was actually his foot that I tripped over in the toilet. He woke up at 4am when everything was locked up, and had to call his friend (who worked at the bar) to let him out.

SmartBoy eventually went to his girlfriend’s place and apparently barfed everywhere. ‘Torrential vomitus’ was the term, if I remember correctly. He also encountered AudioPhile’s (anonymous) foot in the toilet, and took it to himself to ‘wake up the fucker’ by kicking the foot repeatedly. It was also SmartBoy that tied his jacket to my bag to ensure that it would be brought home, knowing that he would probably forget it in that state. I guess he really is smart.

PokerPlaya either doesn’t remember what happened from the bar onwards, or doesn't want to tell us. He did wake up the following morning, however, stark naked on his bed, with his room door wide open, and a half-eaten burger next to him on his pillow. I also got multiple texts from him on my mobile phone, all containing only single words – cock, fuck, ass, flass were some of them.

I didn’t dare look into the Project Room the next day, but when I did, it looked normal – someone cleared out all the trash fairly early, it seems. The ceiling cocks were still there though. I kept waiting for a stern email to go around, but none ever came.

And that my friends, is the true story of how cocks appeared on the lecture room ceiling. The moral of the story? Don’t play Winner Gets Shot. The game was invented by the devil.

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