Cock Block

Stan gave me this title a few days ago - turned out a bit more bloodthirsty than the others. Anyone else have a good title for my next one? Leave me a comment!

Cock Block

Song Recommendation: Dim Sum Girl

I can't even remember where I found this - during uni someone sent this to me. It is so genius I can't start to expound its virtues... Just look at the lyrics.

Dim sum girl, you leally lock my werl...

Come eat my rice with your chopstick and leave your spoon behind...

How can this not be genius, you tell me.

Song may take a while to load:



Yo, this song goes out to all you sexy girls who push the dim sum carts all
over the world...you know who you are, babies...you work so hard and we love
you so much....check it out yo

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile
looking so good coming down that aisle
with that sexy dress and a little dim sum
makes me crazy when I order chow fun

people - they’re telling me
that i shouldn’t bother with a lady
like you - you rock my world
yes you - my dim sum girl

watching...waiting...waiting for you baby
to tell me that I’m the guy for you and that you wanna be my lady
one day yes you will see - that I will always be
the one who will make fried rice for you for all eternity

Dim sum girl
you really rock my world
my dim sum girl
I never thought i’d find a
girl from northern china
who make me feel so good

Dim sum girl
in such a crazy world
my dim sum girl
I’m going to make it all right
we can party all night
so beautiful and pure

My dim sum girl

Why you gotta tease me, baby...
you’re driving me crazy
don’t you see...
don’t play me like that, baby - please
just give me one chance

In the morning - at noon, at night
I think about you and it feels so right
so happy - when you look my way
when i talk to you you make my day
I see the tears in your eyes
please my baby don’t you cry
tomorrow is a whole new day
let’s me and you sing karaoke

Together...forever...that’s the way it’s got to be
please make my dream come true so I can live my fantasy
oh say that you’ll be mine - you know it’s a matter of time
come eat my rice with your chopsticks and leave the spoon behind

Dim sum girl
you really rock my world
my dim sum girl
I never thought I’d find a
girl from northern china
who make me feel so good

Dim sum girl
in such a crazy world
my dim sum girl
I’m going to make it all right
we can party all night
so beautiful and pure

My dim sum girl

I don’t wanna live without you dim sum girl
take me away to your dim sum world
I want to hold you
I want to squeeze you
please say you will be mine - all mine

Hey baby you wear that dress for me?
you look great...what time you get off work, huh?
you must be so tired....let’s say you and me go get some boba tea -
relaxing....
what’s wrong, baby?
what’s wrong?
did I say something?
don’t leave me this way baby, no - don’t go....
you are the only one for me...please don’t break my heart like this!
no more fooling around....
I’m not a player anymore!
come back to me, baby....
come back to me.....

Cock and balls; nuts drop - the result

Hello, hello.

So two days ago, fish in a stroke of brilliance suggested this idea to me. If you have no idea why the title of this post concerns cocks and balls and nuts, I suggest you go read the challenge first.

I decided that, further to fish's challenges, I had to have other rules to make it proper.

My interpretation of the mandate is thus: the objective is to maintain the title as it stands, while points are for creativity in interpreting the meaning of the title.

Condition 1. There will be no naming of entities to convenience the title. That basically means I won't name someone Cock or Balls or something like that. I mean, if your teacher asks you to use a word, say 'smelly', in a sentence, you don't go 'I looked up the word 'smelly' in the dictionary', do you? In other words, this would be a cop-out and basically can be used with any word, not just cock or balls etc. So, cock has to mean cock, balls have to mean balls, and so on.

Condition 2. There will be no punctuation or tenses to convenience the title. I didn't check with fish on this one, but I did play around with the idea of playing 'and' as a London pronunciation of 'hand', but I felt that would be too weak. Similarly nothing like 'nuts dropped' etc.

Condition 3. The title, namely 'cock and balls; nuts drop' would have to make sense as a sentence. This being clearly almost fricking impossible seeing that the sentence doesn't make any sense as it is.

Having said that, I present my response to fish's challenge. Leave a comment, and let me know what you think! Does my response adequately address fish's challenge?

MY RESPONSE - The Scavenger newsletter, click to read.

Ok enough of this subject for a while, people are beginning to think this is a pornographic site. Not good.

[UPDATE] I am AWARD WINNING! Check the left side of the blog to see my award.

[UPDATE] Medley of thoughts

Obviously simply drawing the first thing that pops to mind would be simple. But it wouldn't be a good piece; it is borderline infringing Condition 1. In other words, drawing the following is not kosher.

EXAMPLE OF A LAME ENTRY - I know this looks more like a dildo and dogshit, but this was done in like 2 minutes la.

One idea very nearly made it. In this scenario, I pictured a small English town which was tired of its church ringing everyday, which was very loud and not very melodious. I didn't work out the intermediate details in the end, but it basically ends in a scene where escapees from a mental asylum chicken-nap a rooster and climb to the top of the church tower. They then hurl the ill-fated chicken into the bells and the poor bird is squashed and finally muffles the ringing. After that, they slip and fall down the tower. I was then going to work in a typo-error explanation into the newspaper headlines next day which originally intended to read 'Cock end bells; nuts drop', but ended up something else due to either a missing 'e' key, or a software bug replacing all 'e's with 'a's. Delicious idea. I'm not sure which is the better idea, this one or the final one, but I thought the final one 'packaged' better into a single newspaper article with illustrations, whereas this idea would have trouble.

Happy birthday naeboo

I was on the KSCB the other day and heard the others say it's naeboo's birthday today. That gave me an idea, so here it is. Happy Birthday Naeboo from KSCB-ers!

>>Download link<< - Download and unzip! Get the file to play the animations. You can move your cursor over the logo too...

If you reuse this, please be nice and credit this to me. Thanks! :)

Cock and balls: nuts drop - the challenge

sillydrunkfish has issued a challenge to me, after viewing my undies post. She has dictated the subject of my next composition, and the subject is thus:

****************************************
cock and balls; nuts drop
****************************************

My mandate has been set. I will respond by 8am Monday morning, UK time.

[Updated]:

I'm working on an idea!
Meanwhile, why don't I have any comments! Support meee I want comments too! Anyone is interested in taking up the challenge as well? Monday about 12pm Malaysian time!

[Updated]:

No. 44444 has a submission!



[Updated]:

Referring to this site:
[Updated]:

I've finished. I hope it's good enough! Will post Sunday night.

A little Blagging goes a long way

Pwned (click to view)

Rocks your UNDIES OFF

Heard of the expression 'rocks your socks'? Well, Yoei from the KSCB has a version he imposes on everyone with a manic glee - his version is 'rock your undies off'. While one might contemplate the lameness of his particular catchphrase, it got my ppt urges going again.

But how on earth do you illustrate 'rock your undies off'?? The 'undies off' part is obviously easily done. But 'rock'? What the hell is 'rock' in this context anyway? I haven't a clue. Yoei sounded like he didn't either.

junkie: oei yoei, so what is 'rock' la in 'rock your undies'
yoei: rock lor, like pull or take out?

Er, ok. Not helpful Yoei. So I had a long think to myself. How would one 'rock' in such a way that undies would go off?

Would one...




...Use powderful Qi, a la DragonBall?

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

...'Rock' others using sheer coolness?

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

...Or act so lame that undies just fall off.

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Let's have a vote, guys. Which version of 'rock your undies' would do Yoei justice???

Winner Gets Shot

A true-story anecdote from university days. Ah, the joys of university...


**************

19:05 I arrive at the Project Room for a poker game. We have called along some friends and expect 8 people.

19:06 Only PokerPlaya is there with all the booze and cards. We have vodka, rum, tequila and beer. We crack open a beer each and start drinking.

19:07 He is wearing a top hat. I find out we’re supposed to wear a silly hat each. This does not deter my enthusiasm. I rummage in the trash-heap outside and find an old beanie. It smells slightly. I disregard this.

19:08 I return to the Project Room wearing the beanie. PokerPlaya is impressed by my spontaneity.

19:10 Second beer.

19:12 AudioPhile arrives. He’s brought his cables. We hook up PokerPlaya’s iPod onto the room’s sound system.

19:15 Third beer. No one else is arriving. We belch, curse and question the presence of the no-shows’ testicles and their paternal origins.

19:17 SmartBoy arrives. We decide to start. We kick in a fiver each and decide that the winner takes all.

19:18 We play ‘Winner Gets Shot’ texas hold ‘em. PokerPlaya explains that this simply means that the winner of every round downs a shot. He brings out the ceremonial shotglass. We fill this with vodka. We continue with our beers.

19:22 Pair 3s at the end of the hand. I am not off to a good start.

19:23 AudioPhile wins. He grabs the shotglass and downs the vodka, and sweeps the pot, grinning. We refill the shotglass.

19:29 PokerPlaya wins a lot of money from me. He trash talks me. I hate PokerPlaya.

19:32 Audiophile wins again.

19:35 PokerPlaya wins. I’m determined not to be the last to win a round.

19:38 SmartBoy wins. I hate everybody.

19:47 I still have not won. The vodka is half gone.

19:51 I win with a full house. I AM LEGEND. I down my shot.

20:14 I am ahead of SmartBoy on chips. The vodka is finished. We move on to the tequila for the shots. We have also finished half our beer.

20:18 We double the ante an hour after starting. SmartBoy has had the least shots at 4, and PokerPlaya the most at 8.

20:30 PokerPlaya has the lead. He is also the drunkest. He mumbles to himself and we have trouble understanding him. This does not stop him from winning. We all agree he is not drunk enough and make him drink one extra shot.

20:46 PokerPlaya loses a big round to AudioPhile. He does not understand that he did not win. AudioPhile prevents him from taking the chips. PokerPlaya drinks the shot anyway.

20:52 AudioPhile wins, but spills the shot. We yell at him and remind him of the scarcity of booze. I tell him to lick up the booze from the table. We all think this is a great idea. AudioPhile licks up the mess on the table.

21:10 We finish the tequila and move to the rum, which is industrial-sized. I blearily remember that the booze tonight was supposed to be for 8 people instead of 4. I also calculate that at 25% of downing a shot every 3 minutes or so, we are averaging 5 shots an hour plus beer. I am very pleased with my mathematical ability.

21:18 We double the ante again. The game is now very fast. I am losing rapidly. I try not to be the first to bankrupt.

21:28 SmartBoy is bankrupt. We make him drink one ‘shot of shame’. He now freely drinks the rum and beer. I’m beginning to think he’s the smarter one.

21:46 I go all-in on a four-of-a-kind. PokerPlaya trumps me with a flush. I thought poker flushes only happened on TV. I feel cheated of my hard-earned 4-kind. I take my shot of shame while giving PokerPlaya the death-stare.

21:53 I want to get back in the game. AudioPhil and PokerPlaya do not let me. I call them pussies.

22:03 AudioPhile and PokerPlaya lets SmartBoy and me back in on a 3-shot condition.

22:04 I down 3 shots in 5 seconds. It is a very interesting experience. I am convinced that this is a very difficult feat and I am to be regarded in awe.

22: 20 I am bankrupt again. I am not really fussed this time.

22:29 It’s down to AudioPhile and PokerPlaya again. We begin discussing our post-graduation trip planning.

22:34 We talk about JapFreak and our brainstorming session earlier that week on sustainability issues. SmartBoy tells us that in one of the sessions, FlowerGirl started a brainstorm for a ‘creature that represented sustainability’. JapFreak then ran up and drew a massive cock on the whiteboard. We all agree that that was the best representation of sustainability and conclude that JapFreak is a genius. I find his ingenuity very funny. I start giggling to myself at random intervals.

22:48 AudioPhile wins the tournament. We cheer him incoherently. He grabs the bottle of rum which is a quarter-full, and down it. We cheer some more. AudioPhile has won a twenty.

22:51 We decide to go to a college bar nearby. I wonder aloud what to do with all the bottles and cans. We decide to leave them as a present for the juniors having lectures here the next day.

22:53 I think that mere bottles and cans, which are easily removed, does not represent enough carnage for our poker night. I tell the others this. AudioPhile grabs permanent markers, which marks are not so easily removed.

22:55 AudioPhile runs up to the whiteboard and wonders what to draw. I yell out the first thing that comes to mind: ‘COCK!’ He thinks this is hilarious and scrawls a massive one in a single stroke. I appreciate this technique.

23:01 There are cocks drawn all over all 4 whiteboards in the room. We are very tall and can reach high places. We draw some on the ceiling. We leave the Project Room. PokerPlaya takes the unopened cans of beer.

23:13 We arrive at the college bar. The tequila shots are very cheap. AudioPhile uses his winnings to buy us more shots.

23:20 We have 3 rounds of shots. I’m beginning to disconnectedly feel afraid for myself due to the insane amounts of alcohol consumed tonight. At the same time I also begin to not feel so good. I start empty-swallowing cautiously.

23:33 I have to throw up. I knock over a girl as I run to the toilets. I bend over a sink and let loose. There is a lot. I still feel drunk as hell. I trip over a foot protruding from under a toilet stall door.

23:37 I cannot find anyone. I decide to leave.

23:39 I find my backpack from the coatroom. There is a jacket tied to it. I try to untie it.

23:41 I do not understand. I only want my bag. The jacket does not want to let go. I get impatient. I put on my backpack. The jacket hangs off the back of my ass. I ignore this.

23:48 I get on my bicycle. After a while, the jacket gets caught in the rear wheel. It becomes very difficult to cycle. Instead of stopping, I put in more effort.

23:56 I am very aware that the cars passing by are making a lot of noise and swearing at me. I think maybe I am too far away from the curb. I want to get home fast, so I decide against walking home and continue cycling. The jacket is surprisingly tough and is still being a bitch against my wheels.

00:02 I reach the park. There are ‘pedestrian barriers’ at the entrance to prevent cyclists from riding too fast into the park. I decide to zip through like I normally do.

00:03 I have crashed into the barriers. It is very painful. I know it will hurt more in the morning. My fingers are kind of mangled. Nothing is broken. I declare myself OK to the park. My recollection ends here.

EPILOGUE

That is all I could remember. This was easily one of my drunkest nights – I woke up in the morning still unchanged out of my clothes on my bed. I was still wearing my backpack, and the jacket was still there. The jacket was wrinkled and dirty, but very much intact and reusable. I have newfound respect for Marks and Spencer.

AudioPhile passed out in the college bar toilet. It was actually his foot that I tripped over in the toilet. He woke up at 4am when everything was locked up, and had to call his friend (who worked at the bar) to let him out.

SmartBoy eventually went to his girlfriend’s place and apparently barfed everywhere. ‘Torrential vomitus’ was the term, if I remember correctly. He also encountered AudioPhile’s (anonymous) foot in the toilet, and took it to himself to ‘wake up the fucker’ by kicking the foot repeatedly. It was also SmartBoy that tied his jacket to my bag to ensure that it would be brought home, knowing that he would probably forget it in that state. I guess he really is smart.

PokerPlaya either doesn’t remember what happened from the bar onwards, or doesn't want to tell us. He did wake up the following morning, however, stark naked on his bed, with his room door wide open, and a half-eaten burger next to him on his pillow. I also got multiple texts from him on my mobile phone, all containing only single words – cock, fuck, ass, flass were some of them.

I didn’t dare look into the Project Room the next day, but when I did, it looked normal – someone cleared out all the trash fairly early, it seems. The ceiling cocks were still there though. I kept waiting for a stern email to go around, but none ever came.

And that my friends, is the true story of how cocks appeared on the lecture room ceiling. The moral of the story? Don’t play Winner Gets Shot. The game was invented by the devil.

****

Bloodninja 5 - It Was Just One of Those Nights

Hello, hello.

To officially serialise the Bloodninja series:

Ta-da. I am too free. Scanned pencil sketch w/ random words stuck on it.

I'm going to put this on all bloodninja posts. Anyways, to more ninja-chat.

Other Bloodninja posts:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

*****************************

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out everyday, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Killed the Chatbox

Hello. I've discovered a new channel of art expression - Microsoft PowerPoint.

My first attempt at an idea:
Let me know what you think!

Song Recommendation - Ice Kachang

I bought their album as a kid - with my own money through a covert operation (I asked a friend to buy the audio cassette for me - those days CDs only just came out and to a 10 year old were RIDICULOUSLY expensive) as I couldn't convince my dad to buy me one. He listened to one of the songs (Why You So Like Dat) and dropped the headphones like they suddenly turned into leeches. No exaggeration.

Anyways, still the best purchase I made. I include the song and lyrics here - more to come in later posts!

Watch out for the subliminal chorus of chilli padi, chilli padi and and sambal belacan, sambal belacan and cendol sweet POTATO... [song file may take some time to load, patience!]



Ice Kachang
by Kopi Kat Klan

Yai yai yai yai…. (repeat)

You always say I’m unromantic
Don’t know ways to make a girl tick
I must say you’re right about it
For I am truly unpoetic

But I am not dumb
And not that stupid
It’s just that sometimes brain not working
So I didn’t sleep
Used my little wit
To write this little bit (Yai yai yai yai yai yai yai…)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you…)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
You are my love
My tutti fruitti
Someone I’d like to eat

Sha la la… Yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai ya-ya-yai…YAIH

Every time when we go dating
First the movies then go shopping
You always hint I’m unexciting
It has been so since the beginning

But I am not dumb
And not so stupid
‘Tis just that sometimes I’m a blur king
So I didn’t eat
Used my little wit
To write this little bit (Yai yai yai yai yai yai ya…)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
For you are my love
My one atapchee
Someone I’d like to eat

Each time I look into your eyes
I see some pretty colours, very nice
I wouldn’t mind paying any price
I’m kachang over you (I sago honeydew)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you…)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
For you are my love
My tutti fruitti
Someone I’d like to eat

Babies are hilarious

Babies are hilarious, especially when they're not yours. That is, when you get to do the OMG YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE CUTEST THING EVER and get to look the other way and run when it's nappy time, feeding time, vomiting time, etc.

In college, we used to have streams of kids coming past us on some tour or another and my college mates would go 'OMG, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE PEOPLE? YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE!'

I digress! There was some serious money (to a student anyway) to be made at the time by being a student guide around my college and my friend Di offered to do it. What you would basically do is to lead the kids around the college with their teacher/guide, and show them the Hall, the lawns, gibbering about the history of the college, and the student rooms.

Cut back to a few weeks before that, two of my college mates (we'll call them A and B) decided, for a joke, they would try and bling up a remote control car. They went to the toy store and got themselves a Matchbox RC car. This type was exceptionally small, and this is an important point. They had plans, you see.

Anyways they had a couple of days fun driving the tinny thing about, then they got to Phase 2 of their plan. They purchased another item.

Sexy Mouse, I laik!

Yes, a boobie mouse. The boobs are actually suspended in liquid (like some car compasses) and will jiggle like crazy when you shake them! Awesome stuff.

Anyways they took off the mouse 'shell' and threw away the rest.

Then they took the car shell off, and threw the shell away.

Then they combined the boobie shell and the RC car body into

A boobie RC car.

To this date I so regret not taking a picture of the thing. It didn't work very well - the shell was a bit too big and kept catching on the carpet, but that just made the boobies jiggle even more. A and B took immense pleasure in chasing the girls in their corridor with it, and the girls would duly comply, shrieking and running up and down the corridor at top speed.

So anyways. Back to Di, who is showing teachers and kids around the college, and just gets around to the student rooms.

Di : So these are the student quarters, where students hang out and study between lectures.
Kids : Oooooh.

Suddenly Rachel runs top speed down the corridor screaming in mock terror.

Rachel : AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boobie RC Car races crazily after Rachel, boobies jiggling on the verge of flying right off.

A and B then runs after Rachel and the Boobie Car, with A at the controls. They are laughing fit to kill themselves.

A and B: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. No, wait, Rachel....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

There was this precious moment where Di, the kids and A and B looked at each other (Rachel was long gone but the Boobie Car was still jiggling inappropriately in front of the kids)

Di : [shell-shocked for words]
Kids : ......

A and B: Hey kids...HAHA....erm...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [runs into the nearest unlocked student room and closes the door.

So yeah, that was university.

Anyways, to babies.

Pwning Hillary

Pwning you

Baby Ally Whatever - don't search for other versions, the imitations are horrendous and will scar you mentally for life:




The clip that got me looking at crazy babies:


So yeah, to summarise, get a baby, so I can play with it. Him/Her.

In Bruges

[WARNING]: I highly recommend watching this film, and the following contains almost 100% spoilers, so either watch it or just read it anyway.

[ANOTHER WARNING]: High levels of profanity.

In Bruges is about two hitmen (one experienced, one after his first job, accidentally kills an innocent) spending some time in Bruges, presumed in the beginning to take the heat of the killing of the innocent.

So I totally loved this film. To be honest the trailer is kind of shit, but you can't really put a trailer together for a film like this. If you've watched Snatch and Lock Stock, this movie is definitely for you. If you haven't go watch all of them. Now.

What does In Bruges have?

Guns.

Harry: [while buying a gun] An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los-fuckin-Angeles. I'm not planning on mowing down a bunch of ten-year old black kids in a drive-by. I need a normal gun for a normal person.

Fat people.


This scene is forever seared into my mind.

American fun.

Ray: [beating an American tourist] That's for John Lennon, you Yankee fuckin' cunt!

Midgets.

Ray: They're filming midgets!
Ken: C'mon, let's go back to the room.
Ray: Fuck off, Ken, they're filming midgets.

Classic dialogue.

Harry: [through a written note] Number One, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be. Number Two, why doesn't this hotel have fucking phones with fucking voicemail on them and not have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number Three you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again or there'll be fucking Hell to pay I'm fucking telling you.

Iconic scenes.

Priest: What did you do Raymond?
Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder, Raymond?
Ray: For money.
Priest: You murdered for money?
Ray: Yes, father.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.
Priest: ...What?
Ray: What, are you deaf? You!

Deadpan absurdity.


The shortest classic quote I have ever thought possible.

Ray: Bottle!




Anyways, In Bruges is finger-lickin awesome, if you've seen it you'd agree.

Buildings of the world worth noting

1. The ING Autonomous Building, Amsterdam

This building is somewhat renowned for being an autonomous building, which means it is fully sustainable without any external support (e.g. electricity, water, waste disposal, etc). That's pretty impressive. Pretty - funny choice of words, seeing that this is one of the most offending obscenities I have ever laid eyes on. If I had to describe it, I'd say it looks like a giant glass dong. On stilts.

ING Headquarters - seeing is believing

Cool factor: They don't have to pay any utility bills. Human waste (ahem) is taken care of without channeling it to wherever it is people channel them in regular buildings.

Lame factor: This is one building that looks just as apt to roll down the slope it's on as it is to collapse. Seriously, what the hell is it supposed to resemble, a white trash boat trailer?

2. Lat Prao (The Elephant Building), Bangkok

Now this is just...bizzare. How many buildings not only sport lifts, windows and doors, stairs and all the usual, but also eyes, ears, legs and even a fricking tail and tusks?

One thing it's definitely not good for is to base your bachelor's pad there. No matter how smooth you think you are, there's just no bringing any girl home to a building that looks like an abandoned child's Lego playset. Also, you don't want to point at the elephant's ass and say "that's where my bachelor's pad's at!". Just doesn't work guys.

Lat Prao - does my ass look big? HELL YEAH

Cool factor: This is an elephant building, with eyes, tusks, legs, trunk and even a suggestion of ears.

Lame factor: This is an elephant building, with eyes, tusks, legs, trunk and even a suggestion of ears.

I was only going to post this when I had more buildings to write about, but I want to push down the rude post I posted yesterday (Sunday) that isn't very SFW, haha. I might do more later!

F**k Monday

KNNBCCB!!!!

Enough said.

The Nokia Morph Concept

Bloodninja 4 - Green Thumbs

Part 4 of the popular Bloodninja...

Other Bloodninja posts:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.

Office Survival Guide to Pooping

So there was one time in my office, where I felt a biological need to perform an act not deemed very polite in an office setting. Not very polite in most settings with other people as a matter of fact. But obviously being in an office with actual people, giving into my urge was most decidedly not kosher. kSo I had to grimace and continue working at my computer. It did however give me an idea, and I promptly googled "ways to fart in the office". Oh come on, we all do it, grow up already.

Anyways, so I googled "farting in office" and I found this gem.

****

WORK POOP

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Most Random Blog ever.

I came across this today.

It is awesome.

http://crapbag.blogspot.com/

Tribute to a heroic champion

From The Times

April 17, 2008

Tourist steals scene opposite Gwyneth Paltrow

KNEBWORTH A British holidaymaker with no acting experience bluffed his way on to a Hollywood film set and was asked to act in a scene with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Carl Kelly, 29, of Knebworth, Hertfordshire, told security that he had left his pass inside the set and was believed “because I had a British accent”. He sat down with the other extras and, seven hours later, was called to do a scene with Ms Paltrow.

He said yesterday: “Some 38 takes later, I think they were getting pretty fed up with me — but that’s what happens when you let an untrained nobody into your film.”

The salesman, who had been staying at Caesars Palace after watching the boxer Ricky Hatton take part in a world title fight last June, now appears in the background of promotional posters for the science fiction thriller Iron Man. By the time the shoot had finished, Mr Kelly had missed his plane home. “I had to shell out for a new flight but after blagging my way on set I felt I couldn’t do a runner as they would have to start from the beginning.”

**********

He is a champion la, seriously. Here is one of the promotional pictures from the Iron Man website - I've pointed out our hero in action. Click to see the text:

Iron Man: the most heroic of them all wasn't supposed to be there in the first place

I'd be lining up to watch Iron Man now.

Bloodninja 3 - Papa John's Pizza Delivery

3rd of my Bloodninja series. Read the other posts here:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

Bloodninja 3

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

Late night taxi ride

Late night tonight for me. Pretty tired, and feeling an onset of something nasty.

I’m on my way home from work as I type this – going home in a cab, typing this out from my laptop. There’s something very interesting and unique about this, typing and looking out the window at the incredible metropolitan life this city has to offer. The cab driver thinks I’m an obsessive workaholic. I can see him peeking at me from his rear-view mirror.

Workaholics. What can you do, times are hard, credits are crunching, CDOs are TKOing. There’s rumours of massive layoffs going across the financial sector that got a lot of people very uneasy very fast. Funny how those that have the most demanding and stressful jobs in the world are also those that are attached to their jobs the most. Compensation, personal satisfaction, sense of pride, the list of justifications go on and on. It’s just weird how people get attached to jobs that once they are out of, they very quickly see that was detrimental to their quality of life anyways. But it’s hard to see it when you’re in it.

Very much like relationships.

In any case I must say for better or for worse, these are exciting times. And this is an exciting place to be in.

Will the cab please hurry the frick up. I want to go and take a nice 3S and get ready to curl in bed. The meter is now 16.00, and I predict will reach 25.00 upon home, which means I'm....64% home. Damned numbers. Still can't stop doing them automatically.

My mozzarella garlic bread, leftovers from my dinner in the office, lies nonchalantly next to me in the cab. Like I said, I felt something nasty oncoming, and thought it wise not to glut on this here tasty morsel at the time. Likewise typing in this bumpy cab, my stomach does not presently feel any love for it (him?). I think I shall toast him for breakfast. That sounded malicious, but I do not care. At this tired state, I feel like being malicious.

22.00. I think we may not reach 25.00.

Feeling queasy. Maybe typing in a car isn't such a good idea.

We're pulling up. I'm losing the will to write in the anticipation of home. Plus I need to put this away and pull out my wallet to pay.

Home. It's 23.20. I will pay for 24.00.

I'm home. Good night.

Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRRR

Pretty damn tired from work today, just a quick post. Going to be a crazy week ahead in terms of work....

Installment 2 of the legendary bloodninja - not safe for young uns so be forewarned! :)

Read the other posts here:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

***

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17:
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!